


The Stroppy Spirit

by rachelvanbora



Category: Cabin Pressure
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-30
Updated: 2016-08-30
Packaged: 2018-08-11 23:30:06
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,685
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7911769
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rachelvanbora/pseuds/rachelvanbora
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What really happened after Boston? A few missing scenes. Mostly canon-compliant.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Stroppy Spirit

 

 

**The Stroppy Spirit**

 

_This story starts immediately after MJN returned from Douz._

_GERTI has landed.  Carolyn is still on board, relaxed in a front seat with her bare feet balanced on the drinks trolley. Arthur is showing her pictures on his digital camera._

 

Carolyn: Well, that certainly is... original.

Arthur: Thanks, mum. Even Douglas thought it made sense.

Carolyn:  Did he? And did you explain to him it was meant to be a picture for our new company brochure? Because if we print this, we´ll have to  expand into organising cricket boot camps in the Sahara.

Arthur: Well, maybe it needs a little caption. 

Carolyn: It needs to have GERTI in the picture.

( _Enter Douglas and Martin._ )

Douglas: Ah, if it isn´t the famous image of twelve Scottish cricketers in the Sahara Desert wearing swimsuits and carrying a fire engine. 

Arthur: We´re looking for a caption. How about: „MJN. It´s brilliant.“

Martin:  No, no, no. If  this is going to be your tagline, you need to mention aviation explicitly. In a classy way. How about: „Dream. Fly. MJN Air.“

ghostly voice: „Dream. Fly. Scream. Die. MJN Air.“

Martin: What?

( _silence_ )

Martin: Douglas, that was not funny.

Douglas: You´re sure? Because I was going to suggest: „Where angels fear to tread, MJN rushes in“, but I am quite certain I did not say it aloud yet.

Arthur: How about: „We´ll fly you anywhere-

Martin: -Take MJN Air.“ Ha. That could actually work.

 ghostly voice: „MJN Air. Direct airline services, from your door - to the morgue.“

Carolyn: Douglas, stop being morbid.

Douglas: I didn´t say anything.

Martin: But we all heard it. The voice-

 ghostly voice: -the truth...

Carolyn: ( _slowly_ ) Maybe we should all take a break? Take a deep breath and -

ghostly voice: -by all means. While you can.

Carolyn: Douglas, I don´t know how you´re doing it, but stop it right now.

Martin: It´s childish. And utterly tastless.

Douglas: Maybe we should regroup outside.

ghostly voice: Quite the coward, aren´t you?  No matter, you will all be back.

 

_Flight deck. A week later._

Martin: Douglas, I know that everything has been checked, but has  everything been checked?

Douglas: You have read the official maintenance report. GERTI´s com systems have not been tempered with, we´ll all clear to fly. What is more, I have conducted a little search myself and found nothing unusual.

Martin: Plus, you gave me your word of honour it wasn´t you.

Douglas: Would I exploit the sad demise of Mr. Leeman just to tease you?

Martin: Without hesitation.

Douglas: Would I tease Arthur about it?

Martin: ( _a beat_ ) Perhaps not. Though I must say, he´s taking it quite well. It wasn´t his fault, of course, although strictly speaking it was...  even if, technically, he was following my orders-

Douglas: -to the letter-

Martin: -I mean, it was just one of those things, wasn´t it? People are not supposed to die, just because someone applies a little foam on their face...

Douglas: No, no, that would have made barber shops terribly unpopular.

Martin: ( _sotto voce_ ) ...although he did use a fire extinguisher.

( _Enters Arthur_ )

Arthur: Hallo chaps. Did you know some ghosts live in toilets?

Douglas: Have you tried calling a plumber, Arthur? Or, possibly, a gastroenterologist?

Martin: There are no ghosts.

Arthur: Well, they are quite rare. We´re really lucky.

Ghostly voice: Not for much longer.

Arthur: Brilliant! Coffee Mr. Leeman?

Martin: Arthur, there are no ghosts.

Douglas: And if there were, they probably wouldn´t drink coffee.

Arthur: Because they hate the smell? Like vampires and garlic?

Ghostly voice: No, I love the smell, I just don´t have a mouth to drink it with, you foam assassin. Now get me a huge mug, and pronto.

( _Exit Arthur. Douglas and Martin exchange uncertain looks._ )

Douglas: Is it just me, or is Mr. Leeman mellowing, now that he´s dead?

( _enters Carolyn_ )

Carolyn: Drivers, status report.

Martin: We´re proceeding according to schedule, landing in Brussels in about an hour, and... and ... Arthur´s been taking orders from an  unregistered passenger.

Ghostly voice: Brussels? Oh, I´m so going to get Leeman for this. He knows I hate chocolate. What on earth...How long will you stay there?

Douglas: Hard to tell. If the negotiations go well, we´ll leave tonight, if they drag on, it might take a few days. By the way, my name is Douglas...

Martin: ( _sotto voce_ ) ...and I have gone completely bonkers.

Ghostly voice: No wonder with the job you have. Whom are you flying today?

Carolyn: Some entry-level office fodder from the British Chamber of Commerce.  And you would be-?

Ghostly voice: Jack. Jack Spencer. Visiting short-distance routes ever since our plane landed in the middle of a football field near St. Malo.  The pilot did a marvellously soft landing, splendid chap, saved everyone, except for me.

Arhur: Wow. What happened to you?

Jack: I choked on a peanut.

Carolyn: I´m moved to tears. Would you get off my jet now?

Jack:  I´m beginning to understand why Leeman wants me to haunt your...you call this a jet?

Douglas: I must say Mr. Leeman´s commitment to outsourcing is impressive.

Jack: No, no, it´s just that he crossed over over the Atlantic, so he only gets to spook transatlantic flights.

Carolyn: Crossed over?

Jack: Sorry. That´s how they teach you to talk during the training. You gotta be careful, the living can be terribly sensitive sometimes.

Martin: You get politeness training before you come back to scare people?

( _a beat_ ) It´s a figure of speech! I´m not scared of anything.

Jack: Well, the official title of the course is How to Say Goodbye Properly. Leeman flunked it six times.

Carolyn: Six times? That does ring a certain bell, doesn´t it, Martin?

Douglas: Yes, a truly fearful symmetry. 

Jack: What are you talking about?

Carolyn: Our brave captain here also had six failed attempts at a rather important exam-

Martin: Oh, let´s not bore our guest with technicalities -

Arthur: -Here´s your coffee, Jack. I didn´t know how you wanted it, so I put in a loads of everything.

Jack: ( _inhales deeply_ ). You certainly did. Next time, just double - no, treble the amount of coffee and put nothing else in, but good effort overall.  Thank you, Arthur.

Arthur: You´re welcome.  I can also get you a big smelly bag of chips when we land. There´s a  Fritterye right outside the terminal in Charleroi.

Martin: _Fritterie_.

Jack: Would you?

Arthur: Sure.

Martin:  I don´t think I can allow that.

Jack: What?

Martin: A ghost armed with a bag of chips may be detrimental to the security of my aircraft.

Douglas: Are you sure you´re not thinking about an attacker with a raspberry?

Martin: What?

Arthur: No, Skipper, it´s nothing like that. Ghost just like strong odours. That´s the only way they can enjoy food at all.

Carolyn: Well, in that case, Mr. Spencer, may I draw your attention to our galley?  Arthur, you go with him. Let him have his fun, then throw away any food he liked.

Arthur: Righto. ( _to Jack_ ) Oh, by he way, do you know Nearly-Headless Nick? I´m a massive fan.

Jack: Really? I much prefer Hamlet´s dad.

( _Jack and Arthur exeunt_ )

 

_30 minutes later. Jack hovers in the flight deck with a look of supreme satisfaction on his face._

_He indulges Arthur by attempting to execute a „high five“. Martin is scowling._

Martin: ( _to Jack_ ) Would you mind moving a bit? You´re blocking the view.

Jack: Blocking? Now that I have feasted, I am in top shape for a ghost. Visible, yet transparent.  Can´t be blocking anything.

Martin: Go sit on the jumpseat and buckle up.

Jack: Nasty crew, superb catering. What´s a ghost to do?

Carolyn: You´re welcome to check out our fridge anytime, Jack.

Jack: I am?

Carolyn: Well, I  am sure we can come to some mutually profitable arrangement.

Jack: If you think ghosts can tell you where hidden treasures lie, that´s a bunch of malarkey. Botched PR, if you will.

Carolyn: Oh no, nothing like that. What we´d like to find out is how to prevent a certain ill-tempered ghost from inconveniencing our  transatlantic flights.

Jack: Now I really feel bad for you.

Martin: What? Why?

Jack: Leeman´s been bragging about it for months now. I must admit it´s a tough one. Most ghosts can be dealt with in a  relatively simple way...

Arthur: Really? How?

Jack: Well, you treat them how you´d like to be treated.

Martin: According to regulations, then.

Jack: No, you´re polite, throw them a few banquets, make them laugh, ...

Carolyn: Except that we´re trying to figure out how to ghost-proof an aeroplane, not how to acquire  a permanent plane-guest.

Jack: Well, being nice wouldn´t have worked with Leeman anyway.

Douglas: So what would?

Jack: For each and every ghost there´s a specific procedure that prevents them from coming to see the living again. Usually, the steps are simple, even if their consequence is not. But Leeman´s lucky, he´s got a verse prophecy.

Arthur: Brilliant.

Jack: No, not really. It reads like a poetry postcard.  

Carolyn: Well, as long as it gives clear instructions, I think we could forgive a few subpar rhymes.

Jack: ( _loud and solemn_ )

Midday sun robs him of consciousness

yet, he will rise and speak in animal tongues

and sing with full power of his lungs

well, more or less.

The curse will be broken by a thump, not touch

by a man who knows a brake from a clutch.

Carolyn: ( _a beat_ ) Thank you, Jack, that was really helpful.

Douglas/Martin/Jack: It was?

Carolyn: Not at all, but we´ll figure it out. Or Google it out, whatever comes first.

Arthur: I bet it´s Dr. Doolittle anyway.

_Flight deck. Two days later._

Carolyn: Douglas, I know you´ve grown fond of Jack, but we simply cannot afford to let anything go wrong on Birling day.

Martin: Don´t worry Carolyn, I´ll have a friendly, yet stern word with him...wait, what´s so special about Birling day?

Douglas: I must admit having Jack on board has been rather fun. But, if you really want our short distance routes to be ghost – free, all you need to do is to allow Arthur a few more Toblerones. He´ll be over the moon. 

Carolyn: A happy Arthur is supposed to keep Jack away? Scant evidence for that.

Douglas: Jack hates chocolate, remember? In fact, if you wanted to protect your pilots from otherwordly interventions, you could do so by installing a little chocolate dispenser right in the flight deck: wouldn´t that be a very sensible security precaution, captain? I myself am partial to high cocoa content with more than a touch of ginger, but am very open to your suggestions.

Martin: Installing that kind of additional equipment would violate at least 4 CAA regulations, as even you must know, Douglas.

Douglas: Praline. Ganache. Feuilletine. Carraque.

Martin: ( _to Douglas_ ) Stop it. ( _to Carolyn_ ) Even the sternest inspector could not object if Arthur started serving hot chocolate.

Carolyn: Well, that could, perhaps, be looked into.

Douglas: Yes. Please do look under „genuine chocolate“. Cheap cocoa replacements might not have the necessary prophylactic effect.

Carolyn: You underestimate me, my friend.

( _exit Carolyn_ )

Martin: Well, that was ominous. Do you think we´re really going to get hot chocolate?

Douglas: We might. But  a chocolate-flavoured air freshener is much more likely.

Martin: Oh God, I hate that stuff. The students in my house are now experimenting with one that smells like pickles.

Douglas: Ah.

Martin: Yes. They started with the New Car smell, which wasn ´t that bad, went through a Mac´n´Cheese phase, although that might have been just their cooking and now they claim Pickles air freshener is just the thing to mask all odour. Oh God, this is actually one of the last places in which I can  breathe...

Douglas: Well, we´ll just have to invoke that well-known study proving that artificial smells cause violent cross-reactions in patients with identified strawberry allergy...or make it up.

 

_Flight deck. A month later._

Douglas: Gosh, that was some walk-around. Even for you.

Martin: It pays-off to be thorough. I have triple-checked everything and I have brought a small bundle of sage and a bottle of sage infusion.

Douglas: What on earth for?

Martin: Sage is a popular ghost repellent. As this is our first transatlantic flight since the unfortunate incident with Mr. Leeman...

Douglas: Oh that. I think we´re in the clear.

Martin: Are we? Because if anyone would remember after such a long time it´s Mr. Leeman.

Douglas: True. But we´ve been exorcised.

Martin: Douglas, just because Eddie Murphy stumbled into our jet by accident in Molokai...

Douglas: Yes, he did quite a lot of thumping on that occasion. But I fail to see the connection...

Martin: He played Dr. Doolittle.

Douglas: Ah yes, I remember, that was Arthur´s theory, wasn´t it? Spurious connection to speaking in animal tongues...it doesn´t fit the rest of the prophecy, though.

Martin: So what´s your theory then?

Douglas: How about we make a little bet?

Martin: We could, or... you could just tell me.  The only stake I could offer is my ration of hot chocolate anyway.

Douglas:  Hmm. I think I might have had too many of those lately. I shall need to buy bigger trousers, if you keep losing like this. Still, if am I to stoop to a „quid pro nothing“...you musn´t breathe a word to anyone.

Martin Just tell me.

Douglas: It was Diego.

Martin: From Albacete? When we were flying to Jo-Burg?

Douglas: The prophecy mentioned midday stupor, a.k.a siesta, you yourself praised his extensive knowledge of animal linguistics, as an engineer, he certainly knew a brake from a clutch, the thump was definitely there...any questions?

Martin: We´re free!

Douglas: What an optimistic statement from someone who´s slaving for Carolyn.

Martin: We´re ghost-free!

Douglas: And regularly supplied with a surprisingly good hot chocolate.

Martin: Well, some of us more than others, but still, a definite improvement.

( _enter Arthur and Carolyn_ )

Arthur: Wow Skip, that was a really thorough inspection. Like in CSI.

Carolyn: Yes, it was just like a very long and extremely boring episode. Now drivers, get a move on, before New York crumbles.

Douglas: Not to worry, we´re practically on our way.

Carolyn: Good. Do enjoy the cheese tray today.

Douglas: You mean we finally get Camembert?

Carolyn: No, what I mean is it could be your last for a while. As of tomorrow, cheese trays will no longer be served on short distance flights. You get your fancy cocoa milk, no need for those extra calories, is there?

Douglas: Gosh. I feel positively pampered now. By the way Carolyn, we have done some thinking on revengeful otherwordly apparitions.

Carolyn: Have you now?

Douglas: Yes-

Martin: ( _jumps in_ _quickly_ ) - not to name any sources, but apparently there´s an alternative to the verse prophecy.

Carolyn/Douglas: There is?

Martin: According to our research, a truly effective prophylactic measure against trans-Atlantic ghosts would be raising  the captain´s salary -  in real terms.

Carolyn: What a delightfully devious move. Douglas, you must be very proud. The boy´s taking after you.

Douglas: He is getting devious and rather quick on his feet. Sloppy groundwork, though. 

Carolyn: Very sloppy. Especially since  Leeman´s ghost had been laid to rest by Diego, the singing engineer, a few weeks ago.

Martin: You knew?

Carolyn: Naturally. I´ve done a little research myself and discovered that Jack would sell his own mother for one whiff of Arthur´s fizzy yogurt. He told me everything right after we returned from Johannesburg. Now, shall we fly?

 

**Author's Note:**

> Based on a Fandot Creativity Night prompt. Check out the Fandot Creativity tag on tumblr. loads of brilliant stuff there :-)


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